Bloodsport

In 1988 director Newt Arnold brought us Bloodsport, a movie based on the “totally real” events of Frank Dux’s life, allegedly… Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, and somehow Forest Whitaker, Bloodsport tells us the story of a young and mentally challenged white kid, Frank Dux, who is brought in to a Japanese household to act as a training dummy for the Tanaka clan’s son. However, it turns out that kid is a dud that has a date with a fatal accident, so Dux steps in to train and represent the Tanaka clan in the Kumite (like in the song). Frank goes to the tournament despite the military trying to stop him, possibly because he’s a time cop, and is pursued throughout Hong Kong as they attempt to arrest him and bring him home.  At the tournament, Frank befriends Booger from Revenge of the Nerds and a reporter who is desperately trying to get a look at Frank’s ass, and an invite to cover the tournament.  Booger gets his head stomped in by the defending champion, a Korean beast with terrifyingly huge pectoral muscles, Chong Li, played by Bolo Yeung. Dux is left to clear the field and avenge Booger against Chong Li. Bloodsport features some amazing (?) original music and some exciting martial arts matches (also ?), assuming you’ve never heard music or seen real combat sports before.  Bloodsport made an amazing $65 million on a $2 million budget and was a cultural sensation across the world, launching JCVD’s career and resulting in at least a few dozen bad action movies. But does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss ripped taints, huge man tits, and ball punch knockouts, as we see if Bloodsport can register the fastest knockout of any doubters, or if the story of the Kumite is deserving of the Dim Mak and the boys scream Matte and tap out of this ridiculous “story”.