Hold Up

Mission Impossible (1996)

What does sitting through church without rolling your eyes and Brian de Palma’s 1996 action spy flick have in common?  They’re both Mission Impossible! Alright, a bit of a reach there but there was no time to waste! Mission Impossible is de Palma’s 1996 blockbuster spy movie featuring Tom Cruise, Jean Reno, Ving Rhames, and Jon Voight. Cruise stars as Mike’s brother, Ethan Hunt, a super spy who has been disavowed by his agency after being framed for the murders of his teammates. He must now work to solve the puzzle of what happened and who’s behind it and you know what? It turns out to be pretty darn difficult. Mission Impossible was made for $80 million and brought home a whopping $457 million in the box office ending in 3^rd place behind Independence Day and somehow Twister. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate prophylactic masks and plots dependent on diarrhea as we try to determine if we accept this Mission or let the glasses self destruct on our face.

Predator

In 1987 we got to see what happens when an intergalactic redneck messes with the best of the best of the best on Earth in John McTiernan’s Predator. This movie features Arnold Schwarzenegger as Dutch, the leader of an elite military rescue team, alongside Carl Weathers, Shane Black, and Jesse Ventura. When Dutch’s squad gets dispatched on a fake rescue mission by the CIA they are forced to deal with the new reality that they have become the targets of an alien hunter.  They must now make their way through the jungle to the extraction point and try to avoid all becoming victims to the predator’s superior technology and fingernails.  Made for $15 million Predator brought home $98 million from the box office and has been giving people action boners since. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss shitty eyesight and alien hair sex as we try to figure out if this one is Predator or prey.   

Big Trouble in Little China

What would you call a guy in a dim sum restaurant with a gluten allergy and a closed bathroom?  Big trouble in little China! And that’s the movie this week, John Carpenter’s Big Trouble in Little China starring Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, and James Hong. Kurt Russel is Jack Burton, a big talking truck driver who finds himself in Chinatown to track a gang who has kidnapped his buddy’s green-eyed girlfriend and then ends up in the middle of a gang war, which is interrupted by an ancient sorcerer and his magic henchman dressed like pagodas. Shit just gets so much crazier from there, and you’re going to have to watch it; otherwise, we’ll be here all day.  Made for $25M, this movie brought in an ulcer-inducing $11 million, and allegedly prompted John Carpenter’s decision to return to independent films, but has otherwise enjoyed a massive cult following and a surprising 79% on Rotten Tomatoes - seemingly before they became a corrupt shitbag of a site.  This is a super weird question considering everything we’ve discussed so far, but you know I must ask…does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss demigod fashion and non-sequiturs as we try to determine if this flick is big trouble for little china or movie history.

Cliffhanger

What do you get when you cross an evil John Lithgow, a failed soccer star, and a morose Sly Stallone? You get Renny Harlin’s 1993 action epic, Cliffhanger. Sly Stallone stars as Gabe Walker, an ex mountain ranger who has left his posting after his slippy fingers cause the death of a friend. When Gabe comes home to collect his things, he and Michael Rooker are roped into assisting a gang led by the evil Eric Qualen, played by John Lithgow. Qualen and his cronies need to find their bags of cash that fell from a failed sky robbery. Gabe does what any elite climber would do and decides to take out the gang while for some reason not hiding any of the money for himself later…weird. Cliffhanger features some awe-inspiring shots and made a mountain of dough, $255 million from a $70 million budget. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss how that soccer star thing never really mattered and try to determine if this flick hangs on or if we should let it drop into mediocrity.

Demolition Man

In 1993 Marco Brambilla brought us a story of utopia, a story of dystopia, and a story of an imaginary wonderland where Taco Bell doesn’t send you to abdominal distress, Demolition Man.  Demolition Man is the tale of two men; John Spartan and the epically psychotic Simon Phoenix played by Sly Stallone and Wesley Snipes respectively. In 1996, Phoenix cuts his nose off to spite his face and creates a scenario to entrap Spartan for the death of 40 hostages while also imprisoning himself. They are both sentenced to a cryo-facility and 36 years later, Phoenix is thawed to assist with dispatching a terrorist threat. Spartan is then thawed to dispatch Phoenix when he goes on a crazy killing spree, which no one ever saw as a possibility... Demolition Man also stars the gorgeous Sandra Bullock, Benjamin Bratt, and even a little snippet of Jack Black if you look close enough. It was made for $57 million and brought in a massive box office of $159 million, but does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate bad planning, what that towel was for, and try to determine if this flick holds up or if it should just be demolished, man.

 

Under Siege

The year is 1992, and director Andrew Davis released Under Siege starring Steven Seagal, Tommy Lee Jones, and Gary Busey.  When a corrupted officer and a band of mercenaries hijack a battleship and imprison the crew in a plot to sell its nuclear warheads, you can really only rely on one man, the cook. Steven Seagal stars as Casey Ryback, an ex-Navy Seal who is now the cook on the battleship USS Missouri since being discharged some time ago. Ryback shows his chops as he cooks up some serious ass-whooping and single-handedly broils the competition. This movie brought in a searing $156 million on a $35 million budget. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent filet the movie many call Seagal’s best as we try to determine if this well done or overcooked?

Total Recall (1990)

In 1990 we got gifted another Paul Verhoeven classic, Total Recall.  Total Recall stars Arnold Schwarzenegger (I spelled that right the first time!) as Quaid and/or Hauser, depending on your reality, a bored married man who is drawn to the violent and remote base on Mars for some much-needed vacation. When Quaid enters a Recall facility, a company that implants experiences on your memory, he begins to have some memory flashes and is attacked on his way home.  Once home he finds that his wife has been a fake, a member of the evil Cohaagen’s forces the whole time and was only an implant on his memory. He becomes a crossdresser and heads to Mars to find answers. Once there he gets ingrained in the resistance and the story becomes very confusing.  Is this real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a Mars fight, no escape from reality. Exploding your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeeeee, that we have no freaking idea what’s happening!!  Cohaagen has been holding on tight to Mars oxygen levels and the resistance has been fighting against him and his oppressive reign. Quaid works with the rebels and meets the horrid stomach baby monster Quato, the leader of the resistance, and Cohaagen’s forces bust in. Quaid later finds out that he either is or isn’t Hauser, a double agent of Cohaagen and has been assisting him all along using a really confusing and convoluted plot to root out the rebels.  Anywho, there is a big iceberg melting machine which will instantly provide Mars with an atmosphere you can breathe instead of just exploding your face and maybe they use that, maybe they don’t. What’s it to you? Total Recall was an absolute blockbuster and made $261 million off of a $60 million budget and was received well by critics and fans alike due to its creative story and Verhoeven brand of ultra-violence. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss the potential back issues of three tittied women and how to circumcise a face as we try to determine if this one holds up or if we should totally recall all copies.

The Running Man

In 1987, Paul Michael Glaser, who apparently couldn’t just go by “Paul”, brought us a look into a dystopian future where a totalitarian government runs the United States with an iron fist and convicted criminals have to fight for their lives and freedom on TV. The Running Man stars Arnold “It’s not a tuma” Schwarzenegger as Ben Richards, a helicopter pilot who refused an order to gun down civilians and was punished with prison after the recordings of the event were doctored to make him look guilty. Arnie escapes prison, kidnaps a woman, and gets caught trying to escape to Hawaii. Blah blah blah, he ends up on a game show with a few of the freedom fighters he escaped with, and they all get sent down to a televised dungeon to fight against a group of “stalkers” which are celebrity gladiators that had their costumes made by a 1987 housewife took inspiration on the costume design from her 8-year-old son. Anywho, that woman who Ben kidnapped is caught discovering a conveniently labelled tape that proves Ben’s innocence and is thrown down to join the others in the game as they all must fight to survive.  Also, there are some revolutionaries around, and they revolt. The Running Man made a modest $38 million off of a $28 million budget and enjoyed lukewarm reviews from the critics, but does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss first drafts, “on a budget” set designs, and working out in lingerie as we see if this is one you should run to, or away from. 

Hard Target

In 1993 famed Hong Kong action director John Woo made his much-anticipated American cinema debut with Hard Target. Hard Target stars Jean-Claude van Damme as Chance Boudreaux, a Cajun fisherman/street vigilante who uses motor oil for hair gel.  After handicapping a gang of street thugs Chance is hired to help a woman find her estranged father who “went out for smokes” a bunch of years ago. She’s now tracked him to the New Orleans homeless scene, and in what would be a bit of horrible timing she shows up the day after he is hunted by a group of international sportsmen who specialize in hosting human hunts - for the truly distinguished gentleman.  Anywho, Chance needs a couple hundred bucks for a union dues so, begrudgingly, he agrees to help the woman out. Soon they uncover a group selling human hunts, led by Lance Henriksen, and become targets themselves, hard targets… So, Chance takes the girl into the backwoods to leave the girl with his Uncle, an amazing Cajun Wilford Brimley, you read that right, a goddamned moonshine drinking, bow shooting, Cajun Wilford Brimley! So, as luck would have it, Chance stays hard AF, so-to-speak, for the rest of the movie and kills the fuck out of everyone. Hard Target brought in a whopping $74 million off of a $19 million dollar budget. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate slow motion pigeons and spicy oatmeal and see if this movie makes us hard, or is just hard to watch.

Out For Justice

This week we bring you John Flynn’s Out for Justice, a 1991 action flick brought to you by an overambitious director and an overconfident star. Out for Justice stars Steven Seagal as Gino Felino…yes, really. Gino is hell-bent on revenge after finding that his partner Bobby has been gunned down in the street like a dog by a Richie, a mobster played by William Forsyth. Richie is crazy fucked up on crank and has become completely unstable, including murdering an innocent woman in broad daylight and shooting a man named Wheels after playing around in his wheelchair, so Gino’s captain gives him a shotgun, a ghost car, a beret (actually Steven brings that himself?), and a license to murder as many people as necessary to bring Richie to justice. And, that’s pretty much what Gino does. Whether their names are Sticks or Tattoo, Seagull flocks many, many, people up in the pursuit of Richie and, spoiler alert, he catches him and opens up a bottle of kick-ass whoop-ass kapow sauce. Originally released on April 12^th, 1991, (that’s today 30 years ago!), for $14 million Out for Justice and made $40 million in the box office. But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss Steven Seagal’s inability to run like a real boy and find out if this one is hit, or should have a hit put on it, as well as an “s” to make it a real shit movie.