Hold Up

Bloodsport

In 1988 director Newt Arnold brought us Bloodsport, a movie based on the “totally real” events of Frank Dux’s life, allegedly… Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, and somehow Forest Whitaker, Bloodsport tells us the story of a young and mentally challenged white kid, Frank Dux, who is brought in to a Japanese household to act as a training dummy for the Tanaka clan’s son. However, it turns out that kid is a dud that has a date with a fatal accident, so Dux steps in to train and represent the Tanaka clan in the Kumite (like in the song). Frank goes to the tournament despite the military trying to stop him, possibly because he’s a time cop, and is pursued throughout Hong Kong as they attempt to arrest him and bring him home.  At the tournament, Frank befriends Booger from Revenge of the Nerds and a reporter who is desperately trying to get a look at Frank’s ass, and an invite to cover the tournament.  Booger gets his head stomped in by the defending champion, a Korean beast with terrifyingly huge pectoral muscles, Chong Li, played by Bolo Yeung. Dux is left to clear the field and avenge Booger against Chong Li. Bloodsport features some amazing (?) original music and some exciting martial arts matches (also ?), assuming you’ve never heard music or seen real combat sports before.  Bloodsport made an amazing $65 million on a $2 million budget and was a cultural sensation across the world, launching JCVD’s career and resulting in at least a few dozen bad action movies. But does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss ripped taints, huge man tits, and ball punch knockouts, as we see if Bloodsport can register the fastest knockout of any doubters, or if the story of the Kumite is deserving of the Dim Mak and the boys scream Matte and tap out of this ridiculous “story”.

Outbreak

 A deadly virus threatens humanity and something must be done. We need a hero, fast. That hero? Dustin Hoffman, of course, in Wolfgang Petersen’s 1995 disease action/mystery/thriller/love/disaster movie Outbreak. Based on the true story of the Ebola Zaire virus being discovered less than 15 miles from Washington D.C. in a monkey warehouse (monkey warehouse?), Outbreak follows the story of the deadly Motaba virus which has made its way from the African jungle to a small American town via a cute little monkey which was smuggled in to be sold. The monkey ends up swapping spit with Jimbo McDreamy, who then swaps spit with his girlfriend, and then a whole chain of really unfortunate and unhygienic shit happens and lots of people start liquifying in this little town. Mostly, they really need to find that goddamn monkey, but McDreamy let it go in a California redwood forest, so Hoffman and Cuba Gooding Jr sherlock the shit out of the case of the spitting monkey so they can make a serum to fix them, SHOW ME THE SERUUUUUUM!  Also, there is a love story and helicopter chases and bombs and gunfights. Anyways, this flick is packed with star power featuring: Dustin Hoffman, Rene Russo, Kevin Spacey, Morgan Freeman, Cuba Gooding Jr, Donald Sutherland, and Patrick Dempsey as monkey smuggler #1.  Made for $50 million, Outbreak made $190 million at the box office and received mixed reviews from the critics. But, does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss Ebola monkeys and pandemic protocol and decide if Outbreak is the vaccine we all need, or if we all need to observe social distancing and give this one das boot.

 

The Godfather

This time, we bring ourselves to 1972 and Francis Ford Coppola’s magnum opus, The Godfather. The Godfather brings us to 1945 New York, a time when the city is ruled by five crime families. The film follows the Corleone crime family and their struggle to maintain relevance and power in uncertain times. It starts when the Corleone family is requested to share some of their power and influence to assist in developing the drug trade. Not realizing that drugs are awesome, patriarch Vito refuses the deal and then becomes a target of others in the group when his boy Sonny speaks out of turn in a meeting.  The Godfather ends up as the victim of a hit but does not perish, and his family is forced to deal with the fallout as he recovers from his injuries. What follows is a rich tale full of complex characters set against a dangerous and exciting landscape as the Corleone family lives and breathes the rocky road of revenge in New York and Italy. Beautifully scored by Nino Rota and starring Al Pacino, Marlon Brando, James Caan, Robert Duvall, Diane Keaton, and the kitchen sink, The Godfather is the very definition of a classic and was the highest-grossing film of 1972, making $287M off of a $7.2M budget. But does it hold-up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent meet with their consigliere and discuss all things mafia and see if the Godfather is feeling ambivalent on the day of his daughters wedding, granting our crew the honour of enjoying the first notable crime family epic, or if this film has lost a step and it trips over an orange stand, falls victim to a mafia hit, and deserves to sleep with the fishes.

The Natural

The year is 1984, not that 1984, and Barry Levinson has just released The Natural, starring Robert “Wonderboy” Redford, Robert Duvall, Glenn Close, Kim Basinger, and Wilford “Oatmeal gave me Diabeetus” Brimley.  Robert “my character has progeria” Redford stars as 19-year-old baseball phenom Roy Cobb, a man whose most obvious attributes are a wicked pitching arm and a face and skin that makes him looks like he is 40. Roy leaves his best girl behind and heads off to the big leagues, and at the first train stop out of his town, he meets this total psycho lady who shoots him and then kills herself for some reason. Cobb disappears for like 15 years and then gets drafted by another major league team and no one likes him until they do, and then he gets good again but not at pitching, at hitting this time. Some other stuff happens too, but not a lot of that matters because Roy is the best there ever was.  The Natural made $48M on a $20M dollar budget and was released to much critical acclaim, including being nominated for 4 Academy Awards, but does it hold up? Listen in to Jon, Colin, and Brent as they discuss this period piece and see if it gives new hope to elderly sports fans who want to get a late start on their career, or if the national pastime is better left to the young, competent athletes with stomachs that can properly digest silver bullets and brains that can not stick their dick in crazy at every opportunity. 

The Big Lebowski

In 1998, the Coen brothers took us down an unexpected exploration of what happens when a lazy man -quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin’ for laziest worldwide - has his rug peed on during a violent case of mistaken identity. Jeff Bridges stars as Jeffrey Lebowski, known now only as The Dude, a middle-aged stoner whose only job seems to be playing in a bowling league with his friends Walter, played by John Goodman, and Donnie, played by Steve Buscemi.  The Dude goes on a crazy voyage in an attempt to receive compensation from the individual whose rug should have been the victim of the peeing, the Big Lebowski. After all, that rug really tied the room together. The Dude ends up rolling through a diverse and rich adventure with a cast of amazing characters including performances by Julianne Moore, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and John Turturro. Set against a stunning soundtrack, this movie made $47M on a $15M budget and has since received a massive cult following, including its own religion, Dudeism.  But, does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent drink Caucasians and figure out if they do the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers proud by solving the mystery of the peed on rug, or if they are out of their element and end up believing in nothing, cutting off their johnsons in the name of nihilism. 

Jerry Maguire

In 1996, Cameron Crowe followed wrote and directed Jerry Maguire, his second movie following his angsty teen phase that included writing Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Wild Life, and Say Anything. Jerry Maguire stars Tom Cruise as...Jerry Maguire. A super sports agent who develops a conscience and puts his thoughts in a manifesto that gets him released from his big firm, which further challenges his relationship with his fiance. Striking out on his own, his passion draws in Dorothy (Rene Zellweger), a single mother with a passion of her own...for Jerry. Jerry walks away with two clients, Cush, played by Jerry O'Connell, is an up and coming star quarterback, and Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), a receiver for the Arizona Cardinals who has more attitude than brains. Jerry tries his best to manage his business, relationships with Dorothy and her son, sister, and baby sitter, and the neverending ego's of professional athletes while he attempts to live his best life by his own rules...well, actually the rules of Dickie Fox, his Vince Lombardi looking mentor. Made for $50M, Jerry Maguire went on to make $273M and was nominated for five academy awards, winning one for best-supporting actor Gooding Jr. But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent try and show each other the money and see if Jerry's journey through life is worth signing to a long term contract, or if this movie is better put on waivers or outright released to the free-agent pool of movies that should retire from the business.

The Waterboy

In 1998 Adam Sandler wrote and starred in The Waterboy, the follow-up to his 1996 hit Happy Gilmore. In it, Adam stars as Bobby Boucher, a man with less than adequate intelligence, an overbearing and overprotective momma, and a hidden knack for crushing football hits. When Bobby loses his volunteer water boy job with the championship Cougars, he begs the rival Mud Dogs’ Coach Klein, played by Henry Winkler, to let him come on board the struggling organization as their hydration engineer. After Coach Klein encourages Bobby to stand up to a bully, he witnesses the raw violence Bobby is capable of and insists he joins the team as a linebacker. Bobby does, despite the frequent protests of his overprotective and aggressive momma, and becomes a sensation. Made for $23M, this blockbuster brought home $190M at the box office, pleasing fans and critics alike. But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate what momma said, and see if this is some high-quality H2O, or if Bobby’s momma is wrong again and Gatorade is the superior form of hydration.

Rudy (1993)

The year is 1993 and Sean Astin is 8 years away from playing the Hobbit Samwise Gamgee, so to fill the time and build his cred he stars in the feel-good football story about a dwarf named Rudy. Rudy is the story of a Daniel ‘Rudy’ Ruettiger who just wants to achieve his life long goal of playing football for Notre Dame - despite not having the size, ability, or intelligence to do so – but boy he sure does have the work ethic and ability to rub his success in the faces of all his doubters and anyone else who'll listen! Brought to you by director David Anspaugh and writer Angelo Pizzo, the same combo who 7 years earlier made Hoosiers, Rudy also features, Jon Favreau, Charles Dutton, Ned Beatty, and Vince Vaughn. Made for $12 million this underdog story brought home $22 million at the box office and received fairly positive critical reviews. But does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent shrink our expectations to find out if Rudy is the hero of the day and worthy of being carried off the field in victory, or this movie is in fact as depressing and far fetched as the Quasimodo getting to hang with Esmeralda in the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Any Given Sunday

In 1999, Oliver Stone wrote a love letter to football, and Any Given Sunday was the result. In a miracle fantasy land where Miami has a competitive professional football team, Coach Tony D’Amato is struggling to win a game.  Things are made worse when his 1^st and 2^nd string quarterbacks go down to injury, leaving Steamin Willie Beamen to come in and flex his 3^rd string skills. Willie struggles initially and tends to throw up a lot, but he manages to bring a lot of skill and as much bad attitude to bring the team back in the win column.  Surrounded by over the top personalities including a star running back looking for his bonus, an all-pro linebacker that is at the end of his career, a reliable but fragile quarterback who can’t stay healthy, and an inexperienced and driven owner trying to make her way in the world, Tony and Willie struggle to get on the same page and bring the team to glory. Made for $55M, Any Given Sunday went on to make $100M in the box office, making it a commercial success, but the critical buzz was on the wrong side of average. But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent dive into the playbook, script and story to see if Oliver Stone came up with a winner, or if the team can’t get on the same page and decides to cover their own asses, leaving behind any semblance of victory and sanity.

The Thing

Imagine, if you will, you are in the Arctic - doing Arctic things - when all of a sudden, a helicopter filled with two Norwegian dudes and a crate of grenades fly into your remote camp chasing a sled dog. Now, imagine that one of the guys has butterfingers and fumbles a grenade into the snow near the helicopter and blows up the chopper and the pilot. Now, imagine that this Norwegian dude screams some non-American gibberish and then shoots one of your friends in the knee before being killed by your boss?  Now imagine that the dog ends up being a shapeshifting creature who begins stealing your friend’s likenesses and killing them in horrible and grotesque ways.

Well, assuming you held onto any of that, you have just imagined the opening of John Carpenter’s The Thing. Released in 1982 to horrified audiences everywhere this film stars Kurt Russell, Keith David, and Wilford Brimley’s mustache, as part of the research team attempting to survive and outsmart a bloodthirsty creature who can copy any animal it wants. Made for $15 million, 10% of which was spent on monster master Rob Bottin’s creature effects, this movie brought home just over $19 million at the box office and a whole lot of negative reviews - including a proposal to name it as the most-hated film of all time. However, once it hit home video and TV this movie became a classic and has since become a favourite of horror and sci-fi buffs. But, does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent try to determine if this flick is a staple in the genre of horror movies, or if they have their body’s taken over by the thing and they are made to think that this flick is a staple in the genre of horror movies.