Hold Up

American Beauty

In 1999, prior to creating his hit HBO series Six Feet Under, Alan Ball wrote American Beauty, a movie that saw the directorial debut of Sam Mendes. Kevin Spacey stars as Lester, a 40-year-old man who has lost all touch with his family and his life. His wife Carolyn, played by Annette Bening, is a semi-successful real estate agent and the main breadwinner of the family and now clearly wears the pants in the family. Their daughter Janie (Thora Birch) is an insecure teenager who juggles her relationship with her friend Angela, who wants to be anything but normal, and her new neighbour Ricky, who can’t handle all the beauty in the world.  Ricky’s dad Frank is a former army colonel and repressed homosexual man who is prone to fits of rage.  What do you get when you put all these characters together? Teen romance, murder, attempted sex with a minor, drugs, abuse, suspense, adultery and blackmail. Made for $15M, American Beauty went on to make $356M and won five Academy Awards including Best Picture, Actor, Director, Screenplay, and Cinematography.  But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent move into this friendly neighbourhood and see if they rediscover life, love, and all of the beautiful things in this movie, or if they clumsily stumble around and overpay for weed, have awkward same-sex kisses, and ultimately repress their emotions enough to shoot this flick in the back of the head.

Major League

The year is 1989, tiger blood is still HIV negative and director David Ward has just written and directed Major League, a fictionalized story of a struggling Cleveland Indians team whose new owner is trying to tank the team in hopes to relocate them to a nicer location. But, honestly, who could blame her?  Have you ever seen Cleveland? Not good.  Anyways, Charlie Sheen, Tom Berenger, and Wesley Snipes, star in this comic voyage about a team that was built to fail but refuses to lose. Made for $11M, Major League brought home a solid return of $50 million at the box office and became a favourite sports film for many of this generation. But, does it hold up?  Tune in as Jon, Colin, and Brent talk baseball, Bob Uecker, and voodoo gods and try to determine if this flick wins a pennant in their hearts, or if they walk, balk, and kick chalk from frustration. See that baseball reference? Nailed it.

The Goonies

In 1985, the limits of how far kids will go to stop their homes from foreclosing was tested with Goonies.  Steven Spielberg had the idea, Chris Columbus wrote the screenplay, and Richard Donner directed this action-comedy that starred Sean Austin, Josh Brolin, Corey Feldman, and a host of other recognizable faces.  Goonies is about a group of kids from a neighbourhood called the Goon Docks (get it?) whose parents may or may not have been delinquent in their payments on their properties, and so some investors (who of course are evil and not just businessmen trying to put food on their families tables) want to build a golf course for the ages. While the parents appear to be complacent of the inevitable eviction, the kids are having none of it, and so they channel their inner Indiana Jones and use their background in local history, strength, gadgets, talking, and food to hunt for a treasure that will save the day. Made for $19M, Goonies went on to make $124M in the box office worldwide, pleasing young and old audiences alike. But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent are able to successfully navigate the caverns of old and see if they come out alive and well with a bag of baubles and fond memories to show for their trouble, or if they are ambushed by bad guys and find themselves facing a gruesome end at the hands of those who want the movie to be better than it is.

Strange Days

In 1995, Katheryn Bigelow and James Cameron tested the boundaries of reality with Strange Days. Starring Ralf Fiennes, Angela Bassett, Juliette Lewis and Tom Sizemore, this film noir, sci-fi flick follows Lenny as he prepares for a new millennium as an “experience dealer”, selling pieces of people’s lives that can be viewed and experienced using SQUID technology. In the meantime, some LA cops kill a famous singer in cold blood, and that experience is captured via SQUID, and the tape ends up with Lenny…sort of. With the help of Mace, his friendly neighbourhood bodyguard limo driver, and Max, the whispy haired private detective turns bodyguard, they try to prevent a riot and save their own skins while the bad coppers try to save their own skins.  Made for $42M, Strange Days was a commercial failure, bringing in only $8M at the box office.  But since then, it has found a cult following and is now remembered slightly more fondly than when it was first released.  But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent slap some squids on their heads and see if they share a favourable experience filled with sex, drugs, and fun, or if this dark flick brings up only bad memories of the new millennium filled with foggy remembrances and forgettable characters.

Elf (2003)

In 2003, the world demanded two things.  A new Christmas comedy and a new Will Ferrell movie.  Not one to disappoint, Santa made some magic as he waved his hand and screamed “Merry Fucking Christmas everybody!”, and the result was one of the newer Christmas classics, Elf.  Will Ferrell stars as Buddy, a human who ends up in the North Pole after crawling into Santa’s bag one night. Santa decides to keep him and Buddy is then raised by the elfiest elf of all, Bob Newhart. But Buddy isn’t a true elf and doesn’t fit in, so he leaves to find his estranged father in NYC and hijinx ensue.  Jon Favreau directed this whimsical adventure that also stars James Caan as Buddy’s dad, Zooey Deschanel as the love interest who happens to love grown men who have childlike minds, and Mary Steenburgen as the accepting and loving step-mom.  Made for $33 million, Elf brought home $220 million at the box office and maintains a strong following among Christmas movie fans.  But, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent talk all things Santa and see if this Christmas comedy a new tradition that is worth the trouble of a trip to the North Pole, or if they discover that this holiday flick is a hoax and the only gift they are getting this year is a lump of coal and a bad movie.

Home Alone

In 1990, John Hughes threw his hat into the ring of Christmas films and the result was Home Alone.  Directed by Christopher Columbus, Home Alone featured a few new faces in Macaulay Culkin and his brother Kieran, supported by an experienced cast including Joe Pesci, Daniel Stern, Catherine O’Hara, and John Heard.  The film follows 8-year-old Kevin who, through a series of unfortunate and bratty events, finds himself left home alone while his family flies to Paris for Christmas vacation.  If the challenge of survival was not enough, burglars Harry and Marv are out to rob the neighbourhood, and they won’t let Kevin stand in their way. Made for $18M, Home alone went on to gross $475M, becoming the highest-grossing Christmas film until 2018 when the Grinch overtook it on the list of movies that made insane amounts of money.  But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent are left alone to talk about this Christmas comedy and see if it is filled with joy, cheer, toys and life lessons..or if the wet bandits provide an experience akin to a fat alcoholic breaking into your house and handing you a wet sack of coal as they eat all of your cookies and drink all your milk.

The Thin Red Line

In 1998, World War 2 was presented on screen unlike any war movie that came before with Terrence Malick’s The Thin Red Line. As American forces move to take a key airfield on Guadalcanal, C Company moves in to reinforce the initial attack, which is successful despite heavy casualties and some dissension in the ranks. All of the action unfolds to some of the most beautiful scenery and music ever put on film thanks to Hans Zimmer and John Toll at their best. Many characters question life, death, and their purpose in the grand scheme of things, and through their actions, expressions, inner thoughts, and interactions, they share with the audience their realizations on whether a victory is actually possible. Receiving mostly positive critical acclaim, The Thin Red Line was challenged by Saving Private Ryan, with the latter receiving more awards and commercial success. Made for $52M, The Thin Red Line made $98M at the box office, forcing movie lovers to decide if they were willing to take a chance on a longer, high-minded movie of this kind. But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent go back to philosophy class and sort through the cameos, poetry and art to see if the thoughts evoked are as fondly powerful as they are beautiful, or if the destruction on screen is too far removed from the beauty, resulting in an uneven war film that flew too close to the sun.

Moulin Rouge

The year was 2001 and some movie execs sat in a room and tried to decide if people liked musicals yet.  Well, they decided “Yes!” and we got Baz Luhrmann’s Moulin Rouge! Set in 1900, we focus on depressed Christian, a struggling writer who falls in love with Satine, a courtesan at the Moulin Rouge during a case of mistaken identity.  Enter the man to whom she was promised, the Duke, who is then convinced by the club owner, Zidler, to fund a play outlining their unfortunate circumstance.  When Satine returns Christian’s feelings, their focus shifts to keeping their love a secret while convincing the Duke that their intimacy and not so subtle banging is really just a rehearsal for the play. In return for the finances, the Duke demands the deed to the Moulin Rouge as collateral, while Satine also seems to be suffering from a recurring issue of fainting, shortness of breath, and bloody mouth which we are sure isn’t a sexually transmitted infection. With the stakes higher than they’ve ever been, they all either fall in love or they don’t…you’ll have to watch. Made for $52M, Moulin Rouge! brought in $180M at the box office and won two academy awards.  But, does it hold up?  Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent sing about 1900’s bohemian life and see if all this movie needs is love, or if consumption and the haughty Diamond Dogs are all they get, giving them a mix of heartache and a horrendous case of tuberculosis.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

In 1987, John Hughes brought together the comedic geniuses Steve Martin and John Candy in Planes, Trains and Automobiles.  Martin plays Neal Page, a man who wants to get home to Chicago for Thanksgiving dinner. But a combination of bad weather, bad luck, and Kevin Bacon keep working against his best efforts. Enter Candy’s Del Griffith, a friendly but obtuse shower curtain salesman who is as clueless as he is sweet. What sounds like a minor inconvenience in 2019 is a huge setback in 1987, as a lack of internet, cell phones and mainstream use of credit cards keep Neal and Del from gaining any traction in the battle against time.  An odd couple buddy comedy ensues as we have man-on-man cuddling in beer-soaked sheets, near-death experiences to the tune of Mess Around, and heartfelt realizations of self-discovery and compassion.  Made for $30M, PT&A brought in $50M in the box office was received to positive critical acclaim as the film marked a departure for John Hughes from teen comedies. But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent try to make it back in time for turkey and see if the food, fun and family are worth the time spent on various mediums of transportation, or if they are better off grabbing some fast food alone and not wasting their time sitting with strangers and inhaling the fumes of flatulence, bad breath, and body odour.

Innerspace

In 1987, Steven Spielberg and Joe Dante teamed up to bring us the smallest movie hero ever with Innerspace.  Starring a series of characters with 5 letters or less in their name, this movie features Tuck, Jack, Lydia, Igoe, Ozzy, Victor, Wendy, and an unnamed Cowboy as they are both willingly and unwillingly thrown into the world of misused miniaturization.  Randy Quaid’s much more handsome and shredded brother Dennis plays the alcoholic and suicidal Tuck Pendleton, a former navy officer who just doesn’t want to be big anymore, possibly because 80’s hairdo sporting Lydia can’t handle his shit anymore.  And don’t be phased by the fact that Tuck gets injected into Jack’s butt, this isn’t that kind of movie. With Tuck safely in Jack’s butt, we watch Jack go from Safeway bagboy to world-saving hero.  Featuring pint-sized villains, a detachable vibrator prosthetic, and Oscar-winning special effects, Innerspace was made for $27M, but only raked in $25 a the box office.  Still, this fun flick enjoyed a fairly positive critical reception that possibly suffered from bad marketing.  But does it hold up?  Listen as Jon, Colin and Brent try to performing for Meg Ryan with their shrunken vessels, or if Igoe slaps on a custom hand attachment and mysteriously pleasures them to death while little people digest in their bellies, causing a bad case of indigestion.