Hold Up

So I Married an Axe Murderer

Back in ’93, or Before Shrek, we call it, BS for short, we were treated to a soft entry into the spooky dark comedy basement with So I Married an Axe Murderer. This flick was directed by Thomas Schlamme and features Mike Myers as the star character, but includes some familiar faces in bit-roles throughout. As the title suggests, Myers finds himself in a relationship with a woman he begins to suspect may be a murderer, and then we watch the comedic outlay of that. Also, he’s a beat poet, so, you know, poems… This flick did not make any money at all. However, it did secure a cult following afterwards. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent try to figure out if axe murderers have to use axes and if beat poets deserve beatings as we decide if this flick should get married or murdered.

The NeverEnding Story

Imagine this: it’s 1984, the date, not the bleak political statement, but nonetheless, you are concerned because you have just sat down with a finite amount of popcorn and candy but an infinite amount of story with the incorrectly titled The Never Ending Story. This story tells the story of a little meatball getting picked on all the time because he’s an intellectual, unlike the dullards chasing him from dumpster to dumpster. But this little bowl-cut kid wanders into a bookstore with a creepy old dude who orchestrates the theft of a book so the wee man can get some goddamn pleasure from somewhere. The kid mistakenly leaves the playboy behind and grabs the title book where a bunch of fantasy stuff is disappearing from the same thing you wish this writeup had more of: nothing. This flick made some serious dough, but it was more of a huge cultural moment for kids of the age, and we were such kids. So, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent enjoy giant titty statues and snail trails as we try our best to figure out if we wish this story never ended or never began.

At Close Range

Today, we travel back to a time of perms and material girls with James Foley's 1986 At Close Range. This flick features Sean Penn as a troubled young guy who wants to connect with his deadbeat dad and do some crime, but when the nice crime turns to bad crime, things get dangerous. Anywho, this flick lost money but has a ton of star power and most importantly, was a fan request so we did it because we're nice fucking guys (and you can always blame Mike). So, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent question who keeps giving Crispin Glover work and whether they are the same one who told Walken his stache was cool as we try to see if this flick can miss the target at close range. 

Traffic

The year is 2000. The world is terrified of the Y2K bug, but not as terrified as Hollywood Directors were of Steven Soderbergh, who felt that his best chance of a Best Director Oscar was to be nominated twice, which paid off with a win for Traffic. Traffic tells the story, well, three stories actually, of the war on drugs from the viewpoint of a drug lord and his wife, a drug czar and his kid, and a drug cop and his Mexico. An ensemble cast stars in this multi-filtered flick, whose last names include Douglas, Cheadle, del Toro, Quaid, Zeta-Jones, Guzman, and Grace to name a few, and this drew in the crowds as this movie made $207M from a $50M budget and drew critical acclaim in the form of four Academy Awards, which is a feat considering the competition from 2000. But does it hold up? Listen as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss the beauty of Mexico, consistent colour palates and how much hand-held camera is enough as we try to figure out if this one is getting stopped at the border or if we have green lights all the way to Tijuana and back again.

Shrek

Welcome back to the fairytale kingdom for Super Shrek Sunday! That’s right, this week we’re gonna do an animated flick, and it’s the mad ogrish, Shrek.  Shrek is all about the loveable, curmudgeonly ogre who goes on a mission to win back his swamp and ends up with a half-woman, half-ogre side piece and a talking donkey. Shrek made an ass load of dough, became a new cultural phenom, and delivered too many annoying quotes from everyone who thought they could do a Scottish accent…you know who you are, Steve. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate bad dragons and donkey shows as we do our best to determine if Shrek deserves its happily ever after.

Quigley Down Under

We are travelling to the year 1990 this time, and we arrive from down under. Under where? Under Tom Selleck’s sexy Australian moustache, of course, while we check out his western drama, Quigley Down Under. QDU tells the tale of an American cowboy who heads to Australia for a job using his special skill, long-distance shooting. However, when he finds out he’s been hired by a genocidal Rickman, he flips sides and declares war on the homicidal maniac and his gang to save the Aboriginals and fuck the crazy out of his female companion. But the big question is, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate moustaches down unda and a surprising lack of Australian accents as we try to figure out if we need this moustache ride or want this moustache to hide.

The Quick And The Dead

In 1995 Sam Raimi woke up from his slumber to find Bruce Campbell running his fingers through his hair. “Quickly want some head?” Bruce asked. Sam, a still groggy little spoon, misheard him and the rest is history, Quick and the Dead was born. Quick and the Dead tells the story of a small town gun fighter tournament which acts as the setting for a revenge and redemption plot featuring Sharon Stone, Leo DiCaprio, Gene Hackman, and an unknown Russel Crowe. This flick brought mixed reviews and poor performance at the box office but was loved by many. So, does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent discuss walkable cities and dirt farming as we try to decide if this flick felt more quick or dead.

True Grit

In 2010 the Coen brothers brought us a remake with real sand when they emerged from their Hollywood sex grottos with True Grit. Starring Jeff Bridges in the John Wayne role as Rooster Cogburn alongside Matt “rape stache” Damon, and Hailee Steinfeld in her breakout role as a young girl looking to avenge her father’s murder. This flick brought in a butt load of award nods and made a bushel full of cash along the way. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent debate the age limits in Texas and the benefits of a good ass stabbing as we decide if this one has true grit or is truly shit.

Django Unchained

In 2012 a man who goes by the name Tarantino brought us a story about a man named Django and his chains or lack thereof in Django Unchained! Tarantino brought another amazing cast together for this love story backdropped in a terrible, and not-too-distant past, featuring Jamie Foxx, Samuel Jackson, Leo, and Christoph Waltz alongside many bit parts by faces like Walton Goggins, Don Johnson, and even Jonah Hill. This flick brought Tarantino and Waltz an Oscar each, overcame a pile of controversy due to his generous use of the “N” word, and over quadrupled its money. But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent prepare to get winged as we debate stunt nuts and eye holes and try to decide if this flick has our attention or lost our curiosity.

Stargate

In the ‘90s we were spoiled by Roland Emmerich as he first birthed the timeless classic, Universal Soldier, only to follow it up with the stellar, Stargate. This flick takes us across the universe through a goopy portal as we follow a suicidal soldier and a fringe scientist into an alien desert to anger the sun god himself. No, not George Hamilton, the other one… Anywho, this flick made an ass load of dollars and even spawned a group of superfans called, Gaters…I know, right? But does it hold up? Listen in as Jon, Colin, and Brent try to keep sand out of our vaginas as we worship false gods while we try to figure out if this gate should’ve stayed closed.